What Does Your Daughter Know?

Way earlier than I am sure she ever thought, my mom died. She was 46. I was 13. And there was so much I did not yet know. Thankfully, I’d had a few periods, so my mom had had that conversation with me but how about the other stuff: sex? my first date? Relationships? self-care?  family care? …the list goes on.  My mom was a very nurturing mom and homemaker, so she taught by example, more than anything. But there were still many conversations left to be had.

My Mother and me, circa 1983

My dad did his best, but his masculine energy (and inexperience with raising a teenage daughter alone) was way too high for him to be of any help in the areas I needed him to be. I think single parents can raise healthy children just fine, but gaps in the child’s learning are to be expected. Which is fine, since there is a thing children can do for themselves as adults called “re-parenting”.
Anyway, once my mom was gone, there was only silence. And the teaching that she was maybe going to start with me the very year that the Lord called her home just didn’t happen.

I am where I am and I believe all of the beautiful contrasts I’ve experienced have worked together to form me into the woman I am today. And I am happy with that. However, when I became a mother of my own daughter, I purposed in my heart to have basic and important conversations with her early and often because I had no idea when my own time would be up. I also encouraged her to read so that she would have the mind to seek when she did not know…instead of trusting the world or someone less informed.

I have sat with countless women and we have conversed about these things. Here are some of the things we wish our mothers taught us and have been intentional about teaching our own daughters.  This list is not exhaustive by any means but I am hopeful it will serve as a helpful checklist for mommies of daughters in their teens and pre-teens.

1. Self-care: A daughter should understand that her oxygen mask goes on first. She should be taught a routine and/or encouraged to develop her own for meeting her emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Life gets tough and its challenges can cause us to make some unhealthy choices: smoking, emotional eating, debauchery, having sex with multiple partners, etc. Your daughter should have a routine to deflect these unhealthy habits.

2. Grooming: From haircare to makeup to basic hygiene and rest. A daughter should know how to wash and style her hair by herself; what, at least, a light makeup routine consists of; how to properly care for her body inside and out, and when to rest.

3. Cooking and Homecare: A daughter should know how to cook and clean. She should know the basics of seasoning food, kitchen safety, and have a few recipes under her belt. Basic homecare, such as, laundry, dishwashing and mopping should be taught to her as well. The teen years can be a difficult time to get girls to clean properly but she must be trained. She should know that the bathroom and kitchen should be the CLEANEST rooms in the home and how to make that so. A great way to teach this is to model it too. Believe me, she’s watching and learning.

4. How to play and have fun: I am still mastering the basics of this myself so instead of trying to teach this, I encourage my daughter to be her normal, playful self. When I notice that she is being too serious or becoming cranky, I redirect her (i.e. tickle her feet, make a joke or a silly face, suggest a fun activity, etc). A daughter should know that it is okay to experience joy. It is okay to laugh, act silly and have fun.

My daughter and me

5. Nutrition, Exercise and all of its benefits: A daughter should be taught the value of nutrition and exercise. The best lessons come from a mother or parents who commit to live a healthy lifestyle. These lessons will not so much be taught as they are modeled. Parents who make healthy choices inspire their kids to make them too. And yeah, your teen may rebel, but when she gets sick or experiences weight gain and begins to complain, you can use those as teachable moments (aka “I/We told you so!”)

6. Money: A daughter should know the basics of money. She should know about the benefits of saving, investing, earning and donating. She should know how to budget, how to open a bank account and that she should always read things before she signs.

7. Sex, Dating, Relationships, and Marriage: Whatever you say, SAY SOMETHING. If not, the world and ill-informed friends will fill in the silence with their noise.


Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a good woman. Beautiful wonders are built over time. As you are training and teaching your daughter, and modeling for her too, remember that you are empowering her and your family legacy for generations to come. Happy Mothering! And Happy Mother’s Day :)

What do you wish your mom had taught you growing up? What would you add to the list?