Setting Boundaries

Today I want to discuss boundaries. 

Are you good at setting boundaries or do you just give hugs to everyone who asks?

Do you have them? How do you set them? When is it a good time to teach them to your children?

Recently there was a school-related issue with my daughter and a boy at school. At first his behavior was mild towards her, even semi-cute but then he became overly aggressive.  He. would follow her around, stare at her, chase her after they got off the bus and try to touch her butt or give her hugs.  I told her to be vocal with him, to let him know his behavior was not okay. She said she did, but he just kept on doing what he wanted.

I also requested that my dad or my son wait at the bus stop for her so he would have no opportunity to bother her. They did and it worked, but the boy still made her uncomfortable. One evening I decided to wait for her myself and I saw him attempt to hug her. I called her name and she and he walked toward me, I told him “She does not belong to you, so keep your hands off of her!” He said some disrespectful words and slunked off. I was pissed! Why wouldn’t this creep leave my baby alone?!

As she and I walked inside I called her into the room and knew it was time for a serious talk about boundaries. She listened closely, shared her thoughts, I shared my personal stories of men overstepping their boundaries and what I did and it was a fruitful moment. One I hope she holds dear and never forgets.

This event with the overly aggressive guy really upset me because I feel that this is the time when the playful,giddy, naturally sweet girl becomes a little harder, a little tougher, and a lot less playful. This is the season where masculine and most times bitter women are made.

The uncle who holds you in a hug for just a little too long, the creepy neighbor who stares at your boobs with longing despite the 30 year age difference, the mother’s boyfriend who thinks it’s okay to “sleep” in your bed at night, the boy on the school bus who makes you feel akin to a petting zoo, …and on and on it goes. Untamed and untrained boys and men taking advantage of precious little girls and women, mistaking our smiles for yes and overstepping boundaries that we didn’t even really know to set.

Not all boys and men are bad. Not all boys and men are creeps. Not all boys and men will take advantage of a girl or woman. But there are those who will. And there are those who do. We set our boundaries for the good and the bad, the trained and the untrained. The males and the females!

People don’t just overstep boundaries physically, they can overstep them spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, romantically, etc. And that’s a problem. But when we don’t even have boundaries set [and consequences for those who try us], that is even more of a problem. My conversation with my daughter was to reassure her that we as her family are here to protect her and nurture her and not to harm her. I told her that her body belongs to her and God [and her husband when the Lord sends him[,  and it is precious and that she must set standards for who she allows in her space to touch her, talk to her, be near her  or even sit next to her.

 Family, friend and foe MUST receive permission before they are allowed to touch you. Touch can be a hug, kiss, handshake, rub, poke, hi-five or a tickle. We should raise our children to be aware of inappropriate touch but ANY touch they do not want is ALWAYS inappropriate. I reminded her of this. I told her if we attend a family gathering and you do not want to give someone a hug, do not. I told her she should only engage with people with whom she feels comfortable and happy. "If someone if making you uncomfortable or unhappy",  I said, "be vocal and let that person know and/or alert me,  or remove yourself from that situation... but you don't have to suffer through". 

Too many times I have been guilty of allowing others to take advantage of me (my time, my body, my energy) because I felt bad about making them uncomfortable if I removed myself or said something. That is stupid! I need for my daughter to find her voice and use her voice so that she is not….so that she is NEVER taken advantage of.

The other day I was the gas station and this much older man said good morning to me, while staring longingly at my body. I returned with good morning and walked inside. When I came out he was still there. As I was at the pump he tried to converse with me and while I had a pleasant expression plastered on my face I was anything but pleased. As I was wrapping up he requested a handshake from me. I was like, "No thank you but I hope you have a good day sir". He kept asking and wouldn't stop. When he finally asked why not I simply stated "Because I do not want to sir. Have a great day". I then got into my car and drove off. It's my hand, it's my body. And I do not want everybody touching me and as a human being who is not incarcerated, who is not incapacitated, who is not a slave, who is not anyone's property but God's,  that is my right! I shared this story with my daughter and I think it helped her understand my point a bit more. Mommies, we must be open in sharing our stories, all of our stories...so that we do not perpetuate the abuse or the ignorance we suffered from growing up. 

I believe we must teach our daughters how to set boundaries, why these boundaries are so important and how to appropriately judge “books” (a.k.a. people) by their covers! Because if our girls can recognize the real from the fake, the healthy from the unhealthy, the trained from the untamed, friend from foe, scrub from husband then they will be better situated to live happier, and more fulfilled lives. I don't think every lesson needs to be learned from trial and error. Can I get an AMEN?